Hello! It has been a bit of time. We have been busy. Things were kinda, hazy for a while. It’s been hard to keep everything together. We think we have figured out most of what was going on, and how to fix things. It’s been working and things feel like they are becoming a little more stable again. A lot of things are trial and error, as well as getting back into routines after being knocked out of them.
Something big has been making sure we follow and keep up to date with our journal. It’s a very useful tool for us. If we follow our journal and fill it out, things are less stressful. We know what we have to do for the month, it shows how far into the month we are, and what days we will be busy. It’s a surprisingly useful tool for dealing with anxiety and planning your weeks/months.
One thing we have been lacking on is following our calendar. Sure for events, but not really for work and sleep. We think we might push back when we try to sleep and work, right now 10 feels way to early. Most nights we spent time talking with people from like 10-midnight, and that's very well spent time. So we think we might shift things instead of trying to get it back in line and getting worked up over not following it.
Those things are pretty small, sure important, but easy to recognize and fix the problem. Something harder has been dealing with both of us. We have been mixing up who is fronting, and sometimes the line has been blurry. Now part of the problem with this is both of us have different tools and ways of handling stress and anxiety. It’s a little complicated.
So we think part of the issue has been being scared of our identities, and what they mean. Who are they, what are the differences, how open to be about this to others. Yesterday we had a bit of a break through with that. We were trying to have Vifs front most of the social interaction, and hide the other identity more away from the public. Until recently, we have only told a few people their name. It’s Vestige by the way.
Both of us associated a lot of negativity with Vestige. And it’s been hard on both of us. Maybe it was fear on some level, it’s hard to tell exactly. Guess it doesn’t matter that much anymore, we have started being more open about it. On discord we have started using both names in our handle. Whoever is fronting has there name in front, with the others in brackets, vifs[vestige] or vestige[vifs].
We are both trying to work and explore who we are. We have been focusing on what the differences between us are, but that seems like the wrong way to look at things now. It might have been in an attempt to keep ourself separated, maybe scared of merging back together? Now we are more so just trying to figure out who we are, if things are the same or different or whatever, then that’s just who we are, right?
Switching handles has helped a lot, reminds us who is fronting and makes us more aware of how we act. And while we don’t want to be tied down to anything, it’s nice to have a general idea of who we are at the moment. We want to get like a bracelet or something, something that is easy enough to switch like colors or something on. Just an extra way to keep track, even we sometimes get off discord.
Things are still very much a work in progress, we keep saying that, but it’s true. We stumble and we fail sometimes, but we get up and keep trying. We do feel pretty bad and upset from time to time, but the happy moments are really enjoyable, and happening more and more. It feels… authentic, our life. We are going to try to get better at writing more often, but everyone says that :p