Bumpy, but still moving

05 December 2019
Well, today was another rough day. Feeling better now, but had a few bad hours. We were working today, continuing this huge ticket we have been working on for a week, and it all just started to feel overwhelming. That feeling just kinda cascaded onto all the other anxieties we have been working hard on suppressing. Just one problem collapsed on another mentally and started having a bit of a panic attack. It started to subside for a bit, spent some time focusing on calming down and letting go of that anxiety. But then it came back harder.

It’s a difficult thing to talk about, even with people we are closer to. On one hand, we feel like talking about them gives them more weight, and we are trying to discard those needless worries. On the other hand, talking about them could be good and helpful. We are unsure how to balance that, and still trying to figure it out. Which, ironically enough, feels like anxiety itself.

For today, we found someone we could talk to that we feel close enough to open up to. That helped a lot, humans are social creatures and sometimes people need others. That’s for sure something we struggle with, opening up and letting others help us. We could speculate and guess why, but it doesn’t really matter that much. We are trying to fix problems and learn what does and doesn’t work, nothing wrong with stumbling a bit.

Most of it just stems from low self worth, it waxes and wanes. We are in general happy with who we currently are and the direction we are heading. Not totally sure where we are heading, but we are making progress, and that is what’s important. A lot of this anxiety and negative feelings are coming from outside, years of not being happy with ourself and the negative nature of those around us.

We talk a lot about how it’s okay to stumble, it’s okay to mess up, it’s okay to take breaks to rest and recover. We think it’s something important that everyone should know. Often we feel open and honest with ourself, shed most of those outside pressures, the traditions and indoctrination, and it is wonderful. It doesn’t matter if these negative things come from anxiety or other influences, they are not who we are. If something doesn’t feel right, stop, consider, make a plan and move forward with it. That is all there is to life, no?

Today was a hard out of nowhere hit. But there is good to be taken from it. We recognized it was happening, tried to take steps to reduce it, when those didn’t work we tried other things. We didn’t give up, we kept looking for cracks to shed those false feelings.

First we tried just to tell ourself it’s okay, these aren't genuine, worrying will not help.

Next we tried to do some stuff we have been meaning to do, set up our journal for this month, which we wanted to do this whole month so far. Also cleaned up our space a bit.

Then started trying to reach out to people to talk. At first just wanted to talk about anything, but our mind kept sinking back, one of the people we were talking to let us dump some emotions on them.

At first that last point made things worse. We started feeling needy and like a burden. We felt comfortable enough with this person to express those worries and they reassured us. It took them a few times but it started breaking though, and we started to feel better. Luckily in some aspects, they have a similar outlook on things: life is brighter when you light up those around you. Everyone has bad days, everyone deserves to be happier, sure take care of yourself, but help others when you can.

Writing this post too has been helpful. Have to stop and consider our words and what we are trying to communicate. That helps us process our thoughts and navigate through them better. Due to things slipping the last few weeks, the stuff we posted about before, a lot of our tools started falling apart. Setting up our journal tonight was a good first step to fixing that. We can better track what we want to do for the day.

Your life is all anyone has, we do not wish to waste it. Not being ourself, doing things we don’t want to, spinning our wheels. Failure is nothing wrong, we use it to learn and grow from. Also for us, we do have some mental illness problems. Medication and growing our tool set helps, and once we are in a stable spot we want to try dropping our own medication for a trial period. Life is what you make it, be free and spread joy.

Well that’s it for tonight :3 We are glad we wrote this up. As we said, writing helps us. Not just that though, we would like to be able to keep up posting nightly when we can. The feeling of accomplishment is something to embrace and enjoy. Anyways, have a good day!