Okay, said we might do this, and we feel like it would be fun to. So, here we go, let’s just kinda go over our life from the past 10 years. Obviously not going super into detail, for one that would make this take forever, two we do not remember that much.
Well let’s start a bit before 2010, we graduated highschool in spring of 09 and moved from Maine to Utah in fall 09 for college. At the time we were dating someone from high school, so it became a long distant relationship. We went to some small school for computer science, it was an accelerated program, 2.5 years for a bachelor's, they promoted a lot of hands on learning and 9 months worth on internships. So college starts, things go smoothly for the most part. Grades were good, started making friends, not being near our partner was hard but we mostly made things work.
2010 near the beginning of the year our partner broke up with us. The next break we had from college we went back to Maine to visit. While there we went to our doctor and started taking bipolar medication. We meet with our partner and it did not go well. This was our first partner and we meet her a few hours after taking our medication for the first time. We were pretty emotionally unstable at the time. We went back to Utah and things just kinda blurred along.
Our grades started falling a bit and we were just bummed out about everything. A few months after the break up we ended up buying a car and getting a part time job at KFC. It was our first job, and we meet our ex wife there. Not sure exactly when we started dating. We ended up moving in together soon after we started dating. Think some time this year we started drinking.
2011 is even more fuzzy, we ended up becoming a functional alcoholic for a few months, ended up failing a class, not sure if happened at the same time though. Things were more or less going fine. Still had that job at KFC and was still living with our then partner. We had to take a quarter off of school due to which class we failed. They didn’t offer it the next quarter but we needed it to move on.
2012 we graduated and started working at a company that we interned with. The money wasn’t great and it was in QA, doing automation testing. It kinda made things really bad for a while. We became jaded pretty fast from the whole thing.
2013 we got fired from our first tech job. At this point we were already looking for another job so we found one pretty soon after. That job was a lot better, but still doing automation. It paid like 20% more, it was way more code focused and our boss was great. Life started getting pretty good. At that job we had to learn PHP, Python, Linux, and Vim. It was pretty hard but we managed and it felt great learning stuff so fast and being able to do good work.
2014 our boss quit the company. The replacement was someone we just didn’t get along with. After a while of struggling with things we ended up getting fired from this job too. We were fired just a month or so before our child was born. A few months later we ended up finding another job, this time doing software development instead of automation. But it was quite a drive away and down in a city that was full of mormons. When our lease was up, we ended up moving closer to work. Near the end of this year is when we first started blogging.
2015 we got fired again. What a shock. Bit later we found another job. Working with automation again, but we had a Sr. title, so that was cool. The work was pretty exciting but we just started to lose interest after a while. Then we got fired. We kinda gave up on the idea of trying to find another job at this point. We figured why bother we would just get fired again. So we spent some time trying to freelance, that went nowhere. So we started to work on a video game.
2016 at some point we had to leave the apartment we were living in. We couldn’t afford it and had to break the lease. We ended up staying with some of our ex’s family members. We were trying to find a job, but we just couldn’t find anything, so we kept trying to stream and work on our video game. We just lost so much this year, like in terms of our mental health. Kept getting close to just giving up a lot.
After living with some of her family for a bit, we moved into our ex’s mom's place. Wow what a nightmare that was. Things just kept getting worse for us. We were trying to look for a job, trying to help around the house, trying to work on our videogame. But we really didn’t do much of anything. Just kinda started feeling like nothing we did mattered anymore. So what if we find a job, likely just going to lose it again. Why bother trying to clean up this house when it was a fucking disaster and one of the people living there was a hoarder.
This is around the time we started taking our bipolar medication again. Up till this point we would take it for a while, 6 months to a year, drop off of it, then life would go to hell and we would start taking it again. We thought that we needed to stay on our medication no matter what from now on.
2017 is when everything fully came crashing down. We got kicked out of our ex’s mom's place. Just us, luckily we managed to find a place to live though. We moved in with two friends who we went to college with. Both of them really helped us a lot and we managed to start doing a bit better with things. After a bit of trying to find a programming job we half gave up, ended up looking around for local jobs, anything to just get some income.
We managed to find a job at KFC, luckily we were able to get rehired. Soon after we started working there our ex broke up with us via text. Well we weren't sure she broke up with us till later. We were texting with her then she just said, I’m done, then went back to work. Afterwards we just kept trying to make things better.
While at KFC we kept trying to do programming on the side, and we were looking for a programming job too. We ended up becoming the assistant manager there which made things pretty rough. We were working 50 hours a week at fast food, then trying to handle everything else. We managed to hold things together for a while though. Near winter time our roommate loaned us money to buy a car, and it wasn't until we started working at KFC that we got charged rent.
As we said, those two friends really helped us out a lot.
2018 things just kinda kept going for a while. We gave up working at KFC and started driving for Uber. After a while though we couldn’t drive for them anymore, some weird thing happened with our drivers licence. So we then started driving for Door Dash. Somehow we managed to finally land a tech job again. Doing automation again, and it was a little far away, but we weren't about to complain too much about it.
Some time around summer of 2018 we started questioning if we were trans or not. We just kinda had this dream and when we woke up we just thought, oh great this is something we have to deal with. We were giving ourself till the end of the year to figure out if we wanted to be trans or not. While this was going on we were doing really good at that job.
We started there and just blew everyone away by the end of the first week. During the interview we were confident and ourself. We thought, hey we been programming for a really long time, we are good at what we do, we are just going to do what we do best. Really that job was a huge good turning point for us. We were happy with work for once, not happy to have income, but happy with our job.
We did a lot of good work there, we started getting into rock climbing, we were making friends outside of work and hanging out with people. People at work liked us, and even stood up for us in a few cases. We got a raise after working their for 6 months, 10k, we were the first person the CTO ever gave a raise to in under a year. Near the end of the year we knew we were trans and were starting to take steps towards transitioning.
2019 was a really good year, insane, but good. We met our former best friend and boss near the start of the year. We started having electrolysis done and taking hormones. We made a joke to our friend that we will work for soylent, and it turns out she was looking to hire a programmer. A few weeks later we started working for her. Just a side gig at first, 5-10 hours a week. We wanted a back up plan for our full time job if things went bad when we got further along our transition.
At our job we got along really well with our department and some people outside of it. We were the head of engineering for the QA department, everyone we worked directly with knew we were trans and supported us. The higher ups liked us cause we did good work and got the developers to write better code and less bugs. We found out someone high up in the company was gay and most of the employees even went to his gay wedding. Almost every day we were going rock climbing during lunch with a few people from work.
After working there for about 9 months we got laid off, not fired. The company was bleeding a lot of money and they had to let go of a sizable chunk of people. Everyone was sad to see us leave, we had a lot of the managers along with the CTO said they would be happy to give references, and we were told they would call us back if the company started making good money. We even got paid for the rest of the month. On our drive back we texted our friend about it and by the time we got home we were approved to work full time.
We started getting closer to that friend, sense we started working together a lot more. During the summer we had to spend every day watching our child during work hours. After a week our roommates wanted our kid out, they worked from home and toddlers are loud. So we ended up going to our friends place for work. We would get there often before she woke up, and leave either late at night or after she got home.
That friend ended up taking us on some road trips, we even went on a vacation to Moab with her and some of her family members. We ended up falling for her really hard, and we tried to hide it from her, but she managed to figure it out. We didn’t want to have those feelings because we worked with her and we knew she wasn’t ready to date. She was just a really good person and friend and an emotionally supportive person.
We started getting into a lot better of a place for mental health. Enough to realise we were starting to slip again, so we did some research and went to the doctor about maybe having ADHD, turns out we do, and he prescribed us 40mg of adderall a day. And wow, did that kick off one hell of a chain of events.
We took the first pill on monday night, DnD night at our friends place. After everyone left, we hung out with our friend and got into a really deep conversation. At some point we told her that we fear if adderall doesn’t work we won't have another chance and things would likely spiral into depression and we would kill ourself. The next day we had a mental break down and caused a lot of problems for our friend, both at work and as friends.
By the end of the week we realised we were a system, and told some people about it. Some of the people we told thought we were delusional. And then our friend blew up on us and didn’t want to be friends or even talk to us, and they quit work. We spent the next month trying to figure out who and what we are, while barely talking to anyone in person, working alone with having to suddenly figure out a lot of stuff because our friend left.
Slowly things started getting better. We started to learn more about ourself, feeling good and happy, doing good at work, started working on side stuff again. The last few months have felt so long. We are kinda surprised we have managed to make so much progress regardless. We said it before in this blog, but that was likely the most important week of our life. It’s been so rough though.
Even now we still struggle a bit being open about who we are with people, every time we mention it to someone new is terrifying. We started making some new friends though, accepting, supportive, and nice friends. We started organizing our life a lot more and just did a lot more.
By december things had finally mostly calmed down. We were still struggling with a lot, having panic attacks all the time that would last days. But we kept pushing through it. Not 100% sure how it happened, but we stumbled into two relationships. One long distance one close. We started being bolder with make-up and speech. But there were a lot of things that month that were super stressful too.
And that kinda leads us to now. We have been fighting so hard for so long, and we are finally at a point where things are starting to happen. We are now making real progress and improving life for the better. And not just short term gains but real long term improvement. 10 years ago we were depressed and full of anxiety, we were shut off from who we were, we had no idea about so much of ourself. Considering that, we think we are doing pretty good now.