Jeez, December has been so busy. Mom was here from the 10th to the 24th and had our child from the 20th to the 25th. Met some new friends, started two partnerships with people, been hanging out with friends, new and old, just been a lot going on. Oh, we also worked on this huge new feature for work for about a month, it was pretty draining. So we haven't posted in two weeks, in that time we have started figuring out some good ways of knowing who is fronting. Along with that we are starting to learn who we each are and about each other.
So part of this started with us wanting to be able to show people who is fronting. We thought up some ideas but ended up settling on using bracelets. They are easy to move over each other without it being a huge hassle, and it’s kinda cool that only people who know about it will have any idea what they mean. It took us a while to find the right bracelets, but we are pretty happy with what we found!
Figuring out the colors was a little hard. Basically these are both of ours favorite color. Teal for one of us, purple for the other. The hard part about figuring that out was knowing who was fronting at the time. We just had a color pop into our head and needed to figure out who it was that liked that color. Now though, it feels very much like, yeah those are our colors and we associate with them to a degree. By the way, teal for Vifs and purple for Vestige.
A bit after we ordered the bracelets something strange happened. It felt like Vestige was fronting, but they were super excited and energetic, which in the past we both have associated with Vifs. We spent some time thinking about it, and started to realise, wait, it's not about assigning traits to each other, it’s about who does it feel like I am. It’s hard to explain, think of it like… You ever finish a project and you think to yourself, yeah I did it, this is who I am. That sense of self identity? It’s like that, both of us just kinda know when we are fronting.
So for a bit we used that to keep track of who is fronting. If we weren't sure we would pause for a bit and think, who am I right now. And whatever identity popped up first was who was fronting, simple as that. That had a bit of its own problems though, we didn’t actively consider who was fronting, and it also made it hard to know who was saying what, or thinking what. So we ended up figuring out a new system, we have been working on it for about 4-5 days now and it works really well for us.
So it’s kinda like a combination of both, who does it feel like I am and the color bracelet idea. It has to do with our minds eye, imagination, mental visualization, whatever you want to call it. When you close your eyes, there’s like this blackness, and you can imagine stuff, right? If you really focus you can imagine all the details of an object and really visualize it. But when you have your eyes open you don’t really think about it much. Maybe it’s there in the background, or if you think about something an image will flash in your head.
For us, with our eyes open, the background was still black, we are assuming that’s the same for most people. Maybe less black and empty/void is a better way to put it? Well what we do now is try to have that background color be teal or purple, at all times. It’s an active process right now, it takes mental effort to maintain. But it’s getting easier and easier, slowly become more of a passive thing that just happens. This is actually a really useful tool for us in a few ways.
At first it was just always thinking, okay who am I, oh this person so the color is this, very taxing. But now we just display a color. It doesn’t matter what color, and like before, whatever color appears is who is fronting. So we are becoming more and more aware of who and when someone is fronting.
There is a little more to that though. So before it was hard to communicate between the two of us. We had to stop and focus on it, it was something that we actively had to do. Now this color trick hasn’t fixed that, we still have to focus on it to fully talk to each other. But what this does allow is when the color flashes it means whoever isn’t fronting has something to say or add to the situation. This let’s whoever is fronting to stop for a moment and consult.
There are still some bumps to work out with it though. But that’s fine, it's a new process, it’s already getting easier, and it’s useful. It’s allowing us to be more open and honest with ourselves and each other. We aren't sure if this tool is something we will keep using or not, but it’s worth exploring! That’s really been a lot of what we have done these past two months. Exploring who we are and how to go about it.
Think this is enough for now. Maybe next time we will go into how we communicate with each other, or at least one of the more interesting ways. We finally got our DDR pad set up too, and we need to start playing it so we can get some exercise. We are keeping track of more in our journal and following it more closely. Things keep getting overwhelming but using our tools we have set up is such a useful thing.
Keep making progress, see you next time!